The Joke Thread

[Too Tall]

*Ground rules. Cussin' in context is good. Mysogeny, racism blah blah blah not good.

Start with the old saws than work your way out ;)

I'll make it easy with something you can tell 8 year olds...because we are basically 8 year olds.

A skeleton walks into a bar. Orders a beer and a mop.

[AngryScientist]

fantastic thread.

i promise not to torture the forum too much, but FYI, as a Christmas present i received a book of 365 dad jokes, one for each day of the year. they are terrible :)

Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind; too cheesy.

[SlowPokePete]

What did one ear say to the other?

I didn't know we live on the same block.

SPP

[CJones]

I was going to post a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

[bigbill]

A woman yells downstairs to her husband, "does it ever feel like someone has a voodoo doll and is jamming a pin in your chest?" Husband says, "No" Wife says, "What about now?"

[Ras72]

Once upon a time, a young man was buying his first car. He didn’t have a lot of money to spend when he walked on to the car lot. He explained to the salesperson that he had very modest funds with which to purchase a vehicle. The salesperson said, I have the perfect car for you. They go to the back of the car lot to find only the shell of an automobile with a seat in the middle. The young man looked curiously at the so-called car. This isn’t a car; it’s just a frame and a seat. Ahhh but the salesperson counters, it is a very special car. To start the car moving, you look up to the heavens and say “Thank God”! and the car goes forward. To stop the car, you just say “Tada”…The kid shakes his head in disbelieve, but the car was the right price, so he thought he’d give it a try. He gets in the car and says “Thank God”! and sure enough, the car starts up and drives itself out of the lot with the young kid in the seat. The car drives itself over the place. It goes up a steep hill and it was accelerating down the other side at a very fast speed. At the end of the steep hill was a sharp drop off of 500 feet over a cliff. As the car went faster and faster down the hit, the kid couldn’t remember how to stop it. Finally, inches from the edge of the cliff, the kid remembers and says “Tada”! The car stops immediately with the front of the car at the edge of the cliff. The young man looks up in relief and says…”Thank God”!

[bigbill]

A traveling salesman is walking down a country road and sees a farmer holding a pig in the air while it eats apples off the tree. The farmer does this until all the pigs have had apples. The salesman asks, "wouldn't it save time to knock the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them off the ground?" The farmer says, "I'm sure it would, but what's time to a pig?"

My grandfather was a farmer who raised pigs, I collected (clean) pig jokes for him.

[bigbill]

A snail goes to buy a new car, he sees a red sports car and approaches the salesman and says, "I would like to buy that red sportscar and I want a big white "S" on the door" the salesman is puzzled and asks why. The snail replies, "when I drive around, I want people to say, 'hey look at the S car go!'"

[robin3mj]

Two apples are baking in an oven. One turns to the other and says, “hot in here isn’t it?”
And the other one says, “Holt sh1t, a talking apple!”

[defspace]

okay, I've got one. It's a knock-knock joke, but you have to go first.

[j44ke]

okay, I've got one. It's a knock-knock joke, but you have to go first.

knock knock

[defspace]

knock knock

Who's there?

[j44ke]

Who's there?

Jorn

[thomas]

did you know: Europeans are thinner than Americans, because they consume olive oil instead of water. Even at the Tour de France, cyclists are handed tiny cups of olive oil to rehydrate. Being slippery is usually what makes all the bikes crash at the end.

from latest New Yorker. funny article.

[defspace]

If we're going into anecdotes:

a few years I got a flat tire and pulled off into a gas station to change the flat. A curious customer:
"What 'chu got there? Continental!? Those are European tires. That's why you got that flat. You need some 'Merican tires. You need to getcha some Michelins."

[j44ke]

Laughter. The contagious kind of laughter is exactly what I need (hell, most the country needs). Thanks TT for starting this thread.

When my wife and I lived in Prague, our cable tv included a Russian channel. One day flipping through with the remote, I landed on that channel and there was a stand up comedian delivering a monologue about a family sitting eating a meal together. We do not speak or understand Russian (except for a handful of words) but pretty soon we were both laughing to the point of asphyxiation. Taught me two things: 1.) comedy is 99% timing and that comedian’s timing was spot on and 2.) laughter is healthy and important and if you live in a country where you don’t speak the language, you need to figure out a way to laugh in order to stay healthy.

No joke. Just an observation.

[VTMike]

Got this one from across the hall a number of years ago and remember using iit at a dinner-party:

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship”.
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly a figure clad in a black wet suit strode from the surf. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,
“Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?”
“Ten years,” replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. “Faith and begorrah,” said the castaway, “that is so good! I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!”
“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmill’s Irish Whiskey?” asked the blonde..
Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.”
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve,
unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. ” ‘Tis nectar of the gods!” shouted the Irishman. “
‘Tis truly fantastic!!!”
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, “And how long has it been since you played around?”
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
“Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there, too!”

[LarryA]

Modigliani walks into a bar, grabs a stool and orders a beer. Bartender says "why the long faces?"

[jmgorman]

[the boy insisted I add this one....]

Why did the super hero flush the toilet? Because that was his duty.

[AngryScientist]

What does a pepper do when it gets angry?

It get jalapeno face.