My Grandmother Just Broke Her Hip

[holliscx]

Sorry for the downer but surprised to see my parents struggling with this as they realize they're in the "old" demographic as well. It's my dad's mom. My dad is an eternal pessimist. I've never heard him say look on the bright side; find the silver lining; or spin something positive. But everyone has told him breaking one's hip is a common but serious injury for the elderly (his mom is 95) and that things typically turn downhill fast. I was surprised when my mom shared that he didn't want to think this way, saying everyone is dismissing her and thinking the worst. My grandmother has been living alone. Probably a decade ago my grandfather died from Alzheimer's and she cared for him by herself (mostly) for 7 years - so it was a relief for her when he passed. I respect her independence. She doesn't want to live in a nursing home but wants to go out on her own terms in her own home. The last several years she's told me that people live too long, adding that she's ready to go. Her whole life in many ways is preparing for the inevitable like breaking her hip e.g. emergency contacts on the fridge, lifeline, church friends calling to check on her, paperwork etc. She'll be in a wheelchair, will require care, and will lose the independence she enjoyed. It's sad I can't imagine her having surgery at her age, but thinking more for my parents how to put their minds at ease, has anyone learned anything, gained any wisdom via a similar experience? Just hoping to pass something along to my dad mostly for I feel he's kind of lost in the dark.

[davids]

So sorry to hear this.

It sounds, though, like your grandmother has a clear-eyed view of her situation and her future. She reminds me of my grandmother, another strong, realistic woman. After her husband died (in his late 80s) she moved to a large retirement complex that had different levels of care. She started in her own apartment and after 4-5 years had "progressed" to their skilled nursing facility, where she shared a room with another ancient woman and had access to round-the-clock care. In other words, she was waiting to die. And she knew it. The last time I visited her she told me, "This is no way to live. I am hoping the end comes soon." I opened my mouth to argue and realized I couldn't. She saw what was in front of her and it was decline and death.

Part of me was overwhelmed with sadness at that moment, but the other part knew not only that she was right, but that this was inevitably our individual fate. And her affirmation of death made it easier for me to deal with my own grief about losing her.

Celebrate her life, and affirm & support her choices. Especially now - you, and everyone in your family, need to follow her lead and let her make choices for herself for as long as possible. All your decisions should focus on what is best for her. That doesn't necessarily mean prolonging her life. It means giving her maximum control over what remains of her life.

There's nothing easy about helping someone you love to their end. Good luck to all of you.

[holliscx]

Celebrate her life, and affirm & support her choices. Especially now - you, and everyone in your family, need to follow her lead and let her make choices for herself for as long as possible. All your decisions should focus on what is best for her. That doesn't necessarily mean prolonging her life. It means giving her maximum control over what remains of her life.

There's nothing easy about helping someone you love to their end. Good luck to all of you.

Actually really helpful to read this I'm more shocked, surprised to see my parents struggling than I am sad for my grandmother. I really appreciate what you wrote it's hard to find solace when the moment slaps you in the face but I figured others have been through this and wanted to glean something that maybe I could pass on to my parents. Cheers & thanks again.

[RickM]

Getting old is cruel. My mom is 91, sharp as a tack mentally..but her body is pretty checked out. She also talks and jokes about being ready to go, and underneath the black humor I know she is serious. My Dad has been dead for 15 years, all of her close friends have died...there is really not much left for her and she is the first to say it. Your parents are undoubtedly getting the first lingering glimpses of their own mortality. So many things of a similar vein have been on my mind as of late. I've seen my parents grow quite old, my Dad pass on, (peacefully, thank goodness) my sister get older and ill, my wife pass on after a lengthy illness, my Mom, although spry, is really ready to throw in the towel..and who could blame her..she's had a life-and-a-half. In a couple of weeks I'll be on the downslide to 60 as I celebrate my 57th bday..and my kids are growing up fast - one at college, the other a HS sophomore. I don't mean to make this about me..it's more to point out that as you know, Life is sadly unpredictable and unfair....and mysterious. What davids wrote is true...it's just not always easy to live up to or live with.

"This getting older shit is not for the faint of heart.."
My Old Man.

[davids]

Actually really helpful to read this I'm more shocked, surprised to see my parents struggling than I am sad for my grandmother. I really appreciate what you wrote it's hard to find solace when the moment slaps you in the face but I figured others have been through this and wanted to glean something that maybe I could pass on to my parents. Cheers & thanks again.

I hope it helped a little. I was hesitant to post it, but you asked.

Being in the moment is very, very hard. As my father died, my wife was able to remind me (gently but persistently) to follow my mom's lead on the decision-making. When my mom told me they were ceasing treatment and putting him on palliative care, every fiber of my body screamed. But I kept my mouth shut and supported her. And she was right - my dad was already gone. His body needed only three days to catch up. I'm glad I didn't let my neediness make one of the worst times of my life even worse.

[robin3mj]

I am all too aware of the aging process, both in my professional life and within my own family (thankfully not my own parents just yet, but still.)

I hope this doesn't come across as morbid, but this is an article worth reading:
Parent Health Care and Modern Medicine’s Obsession With Longevity -- New York Magazine

That old saw about the life in your years versus the years in your life is cheesy, but contains a great deal of truth.

Grace and dignity are too often overlooked a the expense of "winning" the longevity battle.

[holliscx]

I hope this doesn't come across as morbid, but this is an article worth reading:
Parent Health Care and Modern Medicine’s Obsession With Longevity -- New York Magazine

Thanks. Plowed through the article last night and thought it was a worthwhile read. It did a good job illustrating what a shit show dealing with an elderly parent is for everyone.

[EricKeller]

I wish I had some idea what to tell you about this, but reading about it just brings back my own frustrations. I have seen that the life expectancy of an elderly person that breaks their hip is shockingly short on average. I feel lucky that the signs of my father's decline were obvious to me for some number of years before his death so I could prepare myself emotionally for it, but then the details of his final few months were horrible. And I wouldn't wish his final two years on anyone.

Fortunately his dementia was so strong that he didn't really have to observe what he had become. When everything about our personality that makes us different than an animal is stripped away, what's left is not a pretty thing. Is there really any reason to continue keeping someone alive once their personality is almost gone? What's sad is that the part of our conciousness that knows there is no point is one of the things that go. I think that for my father the simplist acts of maintaining life had become such an epic struggle that stopping the struggle was not even something that even made sense to him anymore.