Marriage, is it still important?

[steve garro]

and yes, marriage is now more important than ever, much more.

A a child of a divorce the one thing is the parent's courtship afterwards just NUKES you - my Step-monster was nice to me until my dad married her…….then the abuse started as competition for my father's affection, which culminated in her breaking a bottle over my head, and I left his house for good, only stopping back to get dropped of with $20 and the advice to "get a job" - I was 16.

Mom married a string of losers including an abusive PTSD Vietnam Vet who was unemployable and mean and followed that with a drunkard.

Unfortunately my sister did not escape and her life is fucked because of it.
- Garro.

[dgaddis]

I've been with my significant other for 16 years. Haven't gotten around to getting married. We may sign the papers one day, especially if it makes financial sense. She's my best friend and I feel damn lucky that she doesn't care for diamonds nor weddings. We're committed to a life together because that's what we both want. neither of us deem an official marriage as a necessary part of that, but that's just us.

So why not get married? There are legal/financial benefits and whatnot. Just curious.

[marley]

I've been with my significant other for 16 years. Haven't gotten around to getting married. We may sign the papers one day, especially if it makes financial sense. She's my best friend and I feel damn lucky that she doesn't care for diamonds nor weddings. We're committed to a life together because that's what we both want. neither of us deem an official marriage as a necessary part of that, but that's just us.

She may not care for diamonds or a wedding but I am pretty sure she would appreciate one or both. FWIW - I dated my now wife for 8 yrs and we had the same ideas - finally did the wedding thing and it was actually nice and strange to call someone my wife - there is this extra level of commitment for better or worse -definitely scary at 28. As a bonus she re-used her Mom's old wedding ring and we purchased a unique simple engagement ring ($<100). Two kids later a together for 22 yrs - she finally admitted that she wanted a "nice ring" so we schlepped to a shop and were both so put off by the process/expense that she said let's just spend this money on something we can enjoy and experience.

Marriage is great for men - it expands your life span and keeps you civil.

Marriage is bad for a woman - they work so hard and it decreases their life span. Why do they do it - I am not sure but I am glad that they do!

[TMB]

Attachment 66496Is it?
Ask the multitudes of same sex couples who are fighting tooth & nail for what the hetero among us take as a God-given right.

I love being married.

We have seen some bad, bad dark times and come through intact and stronger.

When I got hit by a car, had 1.5yrs of rehab and the guy who ran over me sued me and then someone stole all our checks out of the mail and made them out for thousands, and when I bought a house, started a business and got engaged to her only 6mths after we met, and tons of other shit we have been there for each other.

I'd rather be dead then without my wife, it's the only thing in life I fear, I love her so.

Check her out, Dream Date!
- Garro.

Great post.

As to the bolded part - care to elaborate?

Either in a new thread, or Pm or whatever. I know in my case I got DOORED in Vancouver many moons ago and the guy that did it was a SVP at one of the big mining companies. The Insurance company people could not believe when they informed me that the mining company was suing me ....

It went away but I am in treated to hear the "rationale" in these cases.

[classtimesailer]

re counseling:
I counseled with myself. I realized that I can be a fool. I fixed it. (A couple of times). I think it will be 25 years of fixing things this August -- but I am lucky. I suppose some folks could get lucky and find a therapist that can fix things.

[bcm119]

So why not get married? There are legal/financial benefits and whatnot. Just curious.

Nothing really against it, it's just not a priority. We did the math and in our current situation it isn't financially beneficial but if that changed it would become a priority. Neither of us feel the emotional connection to the idea of marriage like some do, so it's one of those things that we really should do (for the legal benefits) but haven't gotten around to yet.

[ryker]

Same boat as bcm119 except 19 years cohabitating. I told her I'd marry her if she desired or if there was any practical purpose but neither of us can be bothered. The benefits of marriage vary by jurisdiction; here in Canada there are few to my knowledge. We file joint tax returns just like married folk. One notable benefit of marriage is automatic handover of your estate in the event of death. We took care of that by drafting wills with an estate lawyer, which people should do whether married or not.

[joosttx]

oddly enough I off to buy flowers for our wedding anniversary tomorrow. Marriage is tough, its not perfect so why do you ask why I did it? I love her. And strengthing that love between us is much more important of a life pursuit that all the fortune and ego in the world. To each their own but lets all have a chance to do it.

[EricKeller]

a lot of people just aren't getting married anymore. It's interesting that you don't see complaints about the divorce rate much. There are still some throwbacks that want to make it illegal. A batch of them that showed up to the Penn State campus this week and showed their ass protesting against gay marriage. The same group is also against consumer credit. I may have said some unkind words to one of the guys passing out literature. Specifically regarding which bodily orifice he should stick his literature in.

[holliscx]

A good on-topic read for anyone in the doldrums (or not)

The Same Ride, Only Different: The Shift | Bicycling Magazine

[Tom]

One of the reasons marriage matters, and it's kind of morbid, in a lot of places if one of a couple is in dire straits at the hospital the other has no rights at all - consultation, some places can't even visit and hold their hand. In my opinion gay marriage matters if for no other reason than that. I can't imagine not being able to sit with Karen if she needed me or have a hand to hold on to when I need one to keep me tethered to this mortal coil and I can't imagine saying to somebody else that they couldn't do that because the state won't let them.

[davids]

She's my wife and she's my life.

Attachment 66720

[ron l edmiston]

--& i married my best friend 34 years ago, & she still is..

ronnie

[edoz]

Cleo and I have been talking about getting married, I could go either way but it does hold some special meaning for her. So, if it's important to her, it's important to me. I have to admit, the idea gives me a warm fuzzy feeling, too.
I've got a chunk of titanium out in the shop with an I.D. the size of her ring finger.

[ryker]

Making her ring would be totally badass. On the other hand you don't need the excuse of a wedding to justify the project. Speaking of rings, I gave my partner one made of wood that I bought for a dollar in a third world market. I told her it was fragile and needed care just like relationships. Still in good shape over 10 years later and it gets worn everyday. :)

[Corso]

When I was a sophomore in college, on the first day, first 8:00am class, the most beautiful girl I ever saw walked in: I said to myself: I’m going to marry her.

The old “love at first site” thing was true. After 8 years, (school, starting careers, etc) we got married. 25 years and 3 kids latter, I still can’t believe I was lucky to find “the one” so early in my life. Now if she only would let me buy a new Indy...

But enough about me…

Yes, I believe it’s important. Beside the obvious family structure (something this country lacks these days), and as Tom said above, (morbid)...
I’ve know a few long term adult relationships turn ugly when one of the couple dies. The “partner” typically has zero legal rights, and ex-wives, ex-husbands, children, parents swoop in and have more say in everything, if the deceased didn’t make an ironclad will. Partner can end up in the street with nothing at all.

And the same couples who see marriage as “just a piece of paper” are the ones who don’t have solid wills.

If you love your partner, take care of them.

And a last note: I also find that when both partners say “we don’ need no stink’n marriage”, one secretly wants to be married, but agrees with the other (because they really do love them).

[0nelove]

Since Joel B resurrected this thing, and I had posted after like 1 year of marriage (now 3), I thought I would comment.

Man, a new country, new family, three international moves trying to find our place in the world, never more than enough for a month to survive...it has not been easy. There have been many argument-nights that have gotten to the point of separation along the way. So what keeps a marriage together?

I'd have to say that after the hard times, you have to be with someone who enriches your life. This doesn't always mean they make it easier, but they make it deeper. When you wake up in the middle of the night and have to pee, if seeing the person you're next to in the moonlight, with their angel-baby closed eyes makes you smile after hundreds of nights together, that's a good sign.

I said it in the original post and I'll say it again. The key to a relationship is that each part has to be responsible for their happiness. The individual happiness can't depend on the relationship- that is a disaster. Each part has to be happy first with themselves and alone, then and only then can the relationship be great. If someone isn't or can't be happy alone, they should stay single until they are happy and fulfilled with themselves.

[Len J]

Great thread.

A few wandering thoughts.

- love and commitment is a choice..... Marriage is a choice we make and remake every day. I believe, every day, I'm either reinforcing that choice or weakening it.

- 7.5 years & 4 kids into my first marriage, a marriage I was very committed to, my ex told me she was unhappy, married me for the wrong reasons, never should have and was filing for divorce. Boom. Out of that I learned a.) it doesn't matter how much you choose to be committed if the other person isn't, b.) I can survive and thrive things I thought would kill me & ultimately c.) the work I needed to do was about understanding why I was attracted and committed to something so dysfunctional.

- swore I was never going to expose myself to that heartache again.

- 5 yrs later, I'm a happy centered man, w a happy life....closer to my kids than ever, great friends, hobbies, work...great life. Friend introduces me to one of her friends and it's like my whole life led me to that moment. I wanted no part of that. (Unbeknownst to me, she is feeling the same & has the same reaction). We both turn around and get away as fast as possible. For the next 6 months, every where we go, we run into each other....bars, theaters, grocery shopping, even stopped at a light and she's in the car next to me...... We both initially thought we were being stalked. Eventually, we started laughing at it. Ultimately, we gave in. That was 25 years ago....just celebrated our 23rd anniversary. I'm still incredibly grateful every time I look at her.

- it took trusting myself, my own judgement, to be able to take the risk again.

- I choose to be committed. I choose to accept her humanity, and my own. I choose to love her.

- Love is a verb.

IME.

Len