Anyone here wish to commiserate on the abject discomfort that is nicotine addiction? I find it to be a fascinating outlier in the world of addictions, since it follows very few of the rules that other drugs do. First, it is not an objectively pleasurable drug. In fact, most people have to persevere through the initial unpleasant side-effects before it becomes pleasurable. Second, it does not exhibit any clinical withdrawal symptoms other than craving; there are no cold-sweats, no sickness, no seizures, no cramps, just an unrelenting "wanting." It also, aside from expense, carries very few immediately evident downsides, especially if one uses a vaporizer instead of cigarettes - there's no notable lung harm (or if there is, it is subtle or outlier cases like the current rash of poisonings in the US), it doesn't stink, it has pretty negligable effects on the immune system, it can be done pretty much anytime/anywhere. And there's the rub: the modern nicotine vaporizer is a wonderfully designed little addiction stick. Aside from looking a bit daft, there's hardly a notable downside to using it and for the most part, no one takes notice and you can puff away on it at pretty much any time of the day.

My own story starts in high school, when I started smoking cigarettes largely to cover the scent of pot or to have an excuse to hang out outside of school on the cool-kids corner. That blossomed into a full blown cigarette habit which I eventually kicked near the end of college, when I got serious about cycling. I kept away from tobacco all throughout grad school, then I moved to France. Smoking here is treated very differently. There's hardly a stigma, and in some places it's quite the opposite. In the first few months here, my wife and I got a local woman to tutor us in French and we would sit at a bar or café and spend 3-4 hours studying and speaking in French. I turned back to cigarettes as a way to 'pause' these sessions with our tutor. All three of us would take a beat, roll a cigarette, and just bask in that nicotine buzz for the few minutes it took to smoke before getting back to working. This 1-2/day elevated to 3-4/day when we started going out to a local dive bar below our apartment before dinner for a little "apéro." Then I'd add one with coffee at work when I needed a break and wanted to be a bit social...

After a couple of years at this steady-state of 5-6, then 8-10 cigarettes per day all of the little excuses ended. My wife and I both stopped needing language tutoring, we also quite alcohol entirely, and I remembered how much I hated benign social interactions and stopped having coffee with colleagues. Voila, end of the cigarette. But, out of curiosity I picked up a vaporizer. It was an immediate satisfaction of that little buzz, whenever, wherever, at the click of a button. A little vial of 3mg/ml nicotine turned into a couple, then up to 6mg/ml, and eventually without really noticing I was consuming the equivalent of two packs of cigarettes worth of nicotine every day. I never got that dreaded "smoker's cough," I never had to excuse myself rom a dinner table to step outside and smoke, and it was all relatively unexpensive. The behavior becomes very easily normalized. It became part of my EDC. Wallet, keys, pocket knife and vape. It came with me on hiking trips, bikepacking, to the museum, to the lab, to visit friends and family. And when the bottle got low, I'd scheme about what was the most convenient time to restock. The reality is that no one really notices, and so the addiction never seems like an addiction because it lacks one of the prime hallmarks of addictive behavior: perseverance in the face of negative consequences is irrelevant when there are no immediately evident negative consequences. Hell, I never even had to plug the thing into a wall because I'd charge it off my dynamo hub while riding to/from work. It all seemed so benign.

But I'm a stubborn mule, and the idea of being dependent on anything or anyone, a shop being open or a battery being charged, was a constant disturbance in the back of my mind. So one morning, I seized the opportunity of feeling particularly guilty about my little dependence and I gave the vape to my wife to recycle in the electronics recycling bin near her work. I knew that if I told myself I'd just use up this last bottle, or that I'd bring it into my lab for electronics recycling, I'd just start again (and that exact scenario had played out a half-dozen times over the past year or so). So, I had to admit my own weakness, my pathetic little dependence, and give it up while I had the courage. Like ripping off a band-aid.

Fast forward through the worst of it (the constant nagging little voice, the instinctive reach to the pocket, the occupying thoughts) and I can honestly say, having quit cigarettes, a two-year opioid dependence, and given up booze (though the latter was never a serious problem, just a bad habit), that nicotine from that dumb little gadget is the most difficult addiction I've ever faced. Despite a complete lack of physiological withdrawal, the absolute constant-ness of it left a big hole in my daily routines. I'll never say I'm "in the clear," but I think I've finally left nicotine behind.

To those of you who've managed to avoid this particular evil, kudos. To those who have a nicotinic devil hanging out on their shoulder, by the grace of Merckx may you overcome. I wanted to post this because I know, especially in the age of e-cigarettes, that nicotine is the easiest addiction to keep to ourselves. Feel free to air your own story here.