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Thread: Marriage, is it still important?

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    Default Marriage, is it still important?

    Ashley and I were at the grocery store last night and ran into a neighbor we hadn't seen in a year or so. This couple have kids the same age as ours and we socialized a bit years ago. So we're catching up and I ask about her husband and she tells me they got divorced this year, after 25+ years. Says they are still friends, each have a new person in their lives. All very non chalant, it totally blew me away. Is it really that difficult to stay with someone, especially after all that time? It was very disconcerting to us that it was just not a "big deal" to them. Maybe we're the oddballs, but gotta tell you I wouldn't change a thing. Maybe being a bike rider changes the typical male thought patterns from 99% sex to 30% bike riding and 70% sex and helps keep us in line.
     

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    Default Re: Marriage, is it still important?

    Over the last 5 years, we've seen 6 couples that were very close to us divorce. One couple got back together and one couple remain friends, although on different sides of the country. The rest were bitter nasty divorces. You have to wonder if people are jumping into things, settling for the wrong thing, being misled (by the other or their own mind), or just in it for the convenience. 5 of those people are back in serious relationships which appear to be different from their priors. I've been married for nearly 11 years and while we've certainly had a few rough patches - I wouldn't want experience the things I have (or plan on experiencing) without my wife. Often when I'm on the bike - I can't wait to get home to see my family waiting for me.
     

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    Default Re: Marriage, is it still important?

    Quote Originally Posted by Tom Officer View Post
    Maybe being a bike rider changes the typical male thought patterns from 99% sex to 30% bike riding and 70% sex and helps keep us in line.
    Actually, I have seen more marriages and relationships stressed due to excessive bike riding/racing lately so I don't think our riding habits can be credited for improving the marital relationship.

    I'm hearing and seeing a fair number of these same stories though. Ultimately, it is nice to hear your friends had a civil end to their marriage. People change, a lot, over the years, and as you introduce new variables, like children, senior level careers, wealth (or lack thereof), it's not always possible for two people who were so well matched 25 years ago to still be well matched after the variables have come about. Certainly we hope so, and I think many of us strive to do so, but more and more, I'm coming to understand how divorce, whether after 1 year or after 25 years, can actually be best.
     

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    Default Re: Marriage, is it still important?

    Tom, you are a homer and so am I. Maybe these values come from our parents.
    For me it was love at first sight. Down on my knees after three weeks ring in hand and it's been that way ever since. One long date.
    There is no playbook.

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    Default Re: Marriage, is it still important?

    I've been married 16 years and I can honestly say that every year has been better than the last except for one. Out of that one stress filled year that pushed us both to take stock of who we were and were becoming we found a new level of happiness. I think, for us anyway, the key was to embrace the change and support each other in the directions we wanted to go. I also realized there was much about my wife I still didn't know even after a marriage that's produced 3 kids. I'll say though that if something happened to my wife I wouldn't seek out another relationship like this one. I'd want to be shallow for awhile.
    Last edited by Jonathan; 10-21-2011 at 09:50 AM.

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    Default Re: Marriage, is it still important?

    For me the fact that we've both changed so much in the 25 years just adds to it all. She's stayed with me through my stressed out exec days, working 60+ hrs, at 210 lbs and smoking a pack a day. She's gone from being a stay at home Mom to going back to school to be a licensed beautician / hairdresser and now teaches other pursuing that profession. Plus just going through some tough teenage years with our 2 boys. Somehow through all those changes we've each been fortunate to have the full support of the other. I guess I can see how some of that stuff would pull some couples apart, but having gone through that stuff together just makes it all the sweeter. That's why it seems so strange to us when we hear these stories of others splitting up.
     

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    Default Re: Marriage, is it still important?

    -My generation doesn't know real sacrifice; hasn't left everything and gone to war the way our grandfathers did.
    -My generation didn't even see our fathers do this.
    -My generation saw our fathers cry because of unfulfilled dreams and failed marriages.
    -My generation was raised by single mothers.
    -My generation saw more women graduate from college than men.
    -My generation saw women lose less jobs when the economy took a turn for the worse.
    -My generation has more stay-at-home dads.
    -My generation is marrying later and less often.

    Swing at any of that. Or don't. Because there's no real answer other than the world is changing, so marriages are changing.

    And I can't comment because I haven't even stepped up to the plate.
    Got some cash
    Bought some wheels
    Took it out
    'Cross the fields
    Lost Control
    Hit a wall
    But we're alright

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    Default Re: Marriage, is it still important?

    And then there's threads like this:
    http://www.velocipedesalon.com/forum...ing-24015.html
    Last edited by chasea; 10-21-2011 at 12:03 PM. Reason: Successful Edit!
    Got some cash
    Bought some wheels
    Took it out
    'Cross the fields
    Lost Control
    Hit a wall
    But we're alright

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    Default Re: Marriage, is it still important?

    My wife and I discussed the power of marriage at length last night, having been traveling apart for most of the past two weeks. It's so difficult at times, yet so rewarding.

    Check out her blog entry from this week. . . I feel most fortunate:

    Reflections on Dharma of Relationships | Sarah Faircloth Yoga
     

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    Default Re: Marriage, is it still important?

    Maybe I'm a simpleton, but regardless of the generational differences in upbringing doesn't it boil down to a common decency and a little unselfishness to make it work? I guess you gotta have some luck in picking a similarly minded mate.

    Chase maybe you need to start seeing some rich cougars. I bet Darren knows a few up there in Greenwich!
     

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    Default Re: Marriage, is it still important?

    It's still important to me. My wife and I have been together our entire adult lives- we met in college, were close friends, and have been together for 12 years, married for 9 (we're both 31). We went into it expecting to grow and change as individuals and as a couple (hell, we were still kids when we met), and choosing from the beginning to support and adapt with the other person. I can't imagine doing it any other way.

    As a side note- both sets of parents are also still happily married, too, so we had some good role modeling going in.

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    Default Re: Marriage, is it still important?

    Quote Originally Posted by Tom Officer View Post
    For me the fact that we've both changed so much in the 25 years just adds to it all. She's stayed with me through my stressed out exec days, working 60+ hrs, at 210 lbs and smoking a pack a day. She's gone from being a stay at home Mom to going back to school to be a licensed beautician / hairdresser and now teaches other pursuing that profession. Plus just going through some tough teenage years with our 2 boys. Somehow through all those changes we've each been fortunate to have the full support of the other. I guess I can see how some of that stuff would pull some couples apart, but having gone through that stuff together just makes it all the sweeter. That's why it seems so strange to us when we hear these stories of others splitting up.
    Because you two still genuinely like each other...is probably it. At 55, I've seen about half of my personal friend's marriages break up. Always news of another one in the little town I live in. Who can count the reasons why such things happen. My wife died after 17 years of marriage and two swell kids. We had some rough patches, and helping her through her final year was pretty goddamm lousy. But...we never stopped liking each other. It seems to count for a lot.
     

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    Default Re: Marriage, is it still important?

    Quote Originally Posted by Tom Officer View Post
    Ashley and I were at the grocery store last night and ran into a neighbor we hadn't seen in a year or so. This couple have kids the same age as ours and we socialized a bit years ago. So we're catching up and I ask about her husband and she tells me they got divorced this year, after 25+ years. Says they are still friends, each have a new person in their lives. All very non chalant, it totally blew me away. Is it really that difficult to stay with someone, especially after all that time? It was very disconcerting to us that it was just not a "big deal" to them. Maybe we're the oddballs, but gotta tell you I wouldn't change a thing. Maybe being a bike rider changes the typical male thought patterns from 99% sex to 30% bike riding and 70% sex and helps keep us in line.
    "........Is it really that difficult to stay with someone, especially after all that time?...."

    Yes. I can clearly see and understand how things can get to the point where one could not stand to spend one more waking second with their spouse. Absolutely. Perhaps even more difficult to hang in after 25 years then it would be with, say, 5 under the belt.
     

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    Default Re: Marriage, is it still important?

    L'Escale on Fridays around 6.

    Bring your Di2 Meivici w/Lightweight Gen III game.



    Quote Originally Posted by Tom Officer View Post
    Chase maybe you need to start seeing some rich cougars. I bet Darren knows a few up there in Greenwich!
     

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    Default Re: Marriage, is it still important?

    Quote Originally Posted by justinf View Post
    My wife and I discussed the power of marriage at length last night, having been traveling apart for most of the past two weeks. It's so difficult at times, yet so rewarding.

    Check out her blog entry from this week. . . I feel most fortunate:

    Reflections on Dharma of Relationships | Sarah Faircloth Yoga
    Great stuff, thanks!
     

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    Default Re: Marriage, is it still important?

    Quote Originally Posted by Tom Officer View Post
    Maybe I'm a simpleton, but regardless of the generational differences in upbringing doesn't it boil down to a common decency and a little unselfishness to make it work? I guess you gotta have some luck in picking a similarly minded mate.

    Chase maybe you need to start seeing some rich cougars. I bet Darren knows a few up there in Greenwich!
    I think the common decency and unselfishness are price-of-admission stuff...then the real heavy lifting starts.
     

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    Default Re: Marriage, is it still important?

    Quote Originally Posted by chancerider View Post
    I think the common decency and unselfishness are price-of-admission stuff...then the real heavy lifting starts.
    Well maybe we've just been lucky....never seemed like there was any heavy lifting going on, maybe some difficult times. But I always felt we'd get through them together.
     

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    Default Re: Marriage, is it still important?

    Quote Originally Posted by Tom Officer View Post
    Well maybe we've just been lucky....never seemed like there was any heavy lifting going on, maybe some difficult times. But I always felt we'd get through them together.
    I agree you've been lucky...but everyone knows you make your own luck in this life. My comments were meant to be complimentary. Good on both of ya'.
     

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    Default Re: Marriage, is it still important?

    It's a serious subject about which I am as baffled as I am about pretty much everything else, but being reminded of Robert Earl Keen: "It's The Little Things" that made me chuckle.
     

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    Default Re: Marriage, is it still important?

    my good buddy got married last oct 2. i cautioned him prior just a bit: are you sure? etc... we've been together 9 yrs, its time, he said. this oct 2 we celebrated his "anniversary"-divorced finalized for 1 week. c'est fini. a whole lotta friends of mine have gotten divorced, it seems folks don't recognize the permanence it implies/includes? i hve some married friends that are happy but i hve more that aren't. my folks are still married. i have yet to be interested, though the whole partner in crime/got yer back no matter what/ stronger for our union/etc...appeals to me. on a similar note: a good friend's daughter just got engaged, she is 24-just seems way to young to me. mathematically its a losing proposition. so i hve no idea whats what.
    you're not the lord of the flies

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