User Tag List

Page 1 of 5 12345 LastLast
Results 1 to 20 of 83

Thread: The Joke Thread

  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    DC
    Posts
    26,071
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    30 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default The Joke Thread

    *Ground rules. Cussin' in context is good. Mysogeny, racism blah blah blah not good.

    Start with the old saws than work your way out ;)

    I'll make it easy with something you can tell 8 year olds...because we are basically 8 year olds.

    A skeleton walks into a bar. Orders a beer and a mop.
    Last edited by Too Tall; 01-13-2021 at 12:16 PM.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    NJ
    Posts
    2,212
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    11 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    fantastic thread.

    i promise not to torture the forum too much, but FYI, as a Christmas present i received a book of 365 dad jokes, one for each day of the year. they are terrible :)

    Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind; too cheesy.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Location
    Hillsdale, NY
    Posts
    2,389
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    3 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    What did one ear say to the other?

    I didn't know we live on the same block.

    SPP
    My name is Peter Miller.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Alexandria, VA
    Posts
    254
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    I was going to post a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    Kingman, AZ
    Posts
    4,598
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    9 Post(s)
    Tagged
    1 Thread(s)

    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    A woman yells downstairs to her husband, "does it ever feel like someone has a voodoo doll and is jamming a pin in your chest?" Husband says, "No" Wife says, "What about now?"
    Weight Doper

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Between a rock and a wall
    Posts
    785
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    3 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    Once upon a time, a young man was buying his first car. He didn’t have a lot of money to spend when he walked on to the car lot. He explained to the salesperson that he had very modest funds with which to purchase a vehicle. The salesperson said, I have the perfect car for you. They go to the back of the car lot to find only the shell of an automobile with a seat in the middle. The young man looked curiously at the so-called car. This isn’t a car; it’s just a frame and a seat. Ahhh but the salesperson counters, it is a very special car. To start the car moving, you look up to the heavens and say “Thank God”! and the car goes forward. To stop the car, you just say “Tada”…The kid shakes his head in disbelieve, but the car was the right price, so he thought he’d give it a try. He gets in the car and says “Thank God”! and sure enough, the car starts up and drives itself out of the lot with the young kid in the seat. The car drives itself over the place. It goes up a steep hill and it was accelerating down the other side at a very fast speed. At the end of the steep hill was a sharp drop off of 500 feet over a cliff. As the car went faster and faster down the hit, the kid couldn’t remember how to stop it. Finally, inches from the edge of the cliff, the kid remembers and says “Tada”! The car stops immediately with the front of the car at the edge of the cliff. The young man looks up in relief and says…”Thank God”!
    Rick

    If the process is more important than the result, you play. If the result is more important than the process, you work.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    Kingman, AZ
    Posts
    4,598
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    9 Post(s)
    Tagged
    1 Thread(s)

    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    A traveling salesman is walking down a country road and sees a farmer holding a pig in the air while it eats apples off the tree. The farmer does this until all the pigs have had apples. The salesman asks, "wouldn't it save time to knock the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them off the ground?" The farmer says, "I'm sure it would, but what's time to a pig?"

    My grandfather was a farmer who raised pigs, I collected (clean) pig jokes for him.
    Weight Doper

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Between a rock and a wall
    Posts
    785
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    3 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    Horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Hey there, why the long face?'
    Rick

    If the process is more important than the result, you play. If the result is more important than the process, you work.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    Kingman, AZ
    Posts
    4,598
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    9 Post(s)
    Tagged
    1 Thread(s)

    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    A snail goes to buy a new car, he sees a red sports car and approaches the salesman and says, "I would like to buy that red sportscar and I want a big white "S" on the door" the salesman is puzzled and asks why. The snail replies, "when I drive around, I want people to say, 'hey look at the S car go!'"
    Weight Doper

  10. #10
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    DC
    Posts
    26,071
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    30 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by bigbill View Post
    A traveling salesman is walking down a country road and sees a farmer holding a pig in the air while it eats apples off the tree. The farmer does this until all the pigs have had apples. The salesman asks, "wouldn't it save time to knock the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them off the ground?" The farmer says, "I'm sure it would, but what's time to a pig?"

    My grandfather was a farmer who raised pigs, I collected (clean) pig jokes for him.
    I got you.

    Farmer standing with his favorite pig Wilbur, they are sizing up two sows. "Wilbur, which one would you like to breed"? Wilbur replies in pig-speak "Boffuffumm".

    If you know you know.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Yorkshire, UK
    Posts
    859
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    2 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    Two cats are swimming across the English Channel. The first is called one two three and the second is called un deux trois. Which one gets to the other side first?

    One two three, because un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq.

    (I know this joke is widely available but I first heard it from my stepdaughter when she was about 9 or 10 years old.)

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Between a rock and a wall
    Posts
    785
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    3 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    Donald J. Trump
    Rick

    If the process is more important than the result, you play. If the result is more important than the process, you work.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Falls Church, VA
    Posts
    5,550
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    Guy calls his office one morning and says, “I have anal glaucoma.”
    His boss asks what the hell he’s talking about and the guy replies, “I just can’t see my ass coming to work today.”
    my name is Matt

    INSTA

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    Kingman, AZ
    Posts
    4,598
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    9 Post(s)
    Tagged
    1 Thread(s)

    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Too Tall View Post
    I got you.

    Farmer standing with his favorite pig Wilbur, they are sizing up two sows. "Wilbur, which one would you like to breed"? Wilbur replies in pig-speak "Boffuffumm".

    If you know you know.
    You feel me, dog. When I was stationed on a submarine doing an overhaul in Charleston Naval Shipyard, we kept a logbook of "bubbaisms". There were basically 5-6 last names among the shipyard workers. There were descendants of Civil War era shipyard workers. My favorite was "dainobeno". "If we don't get done, dailobeno way we'll get out on time."
    Weight Doper

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Hillsdale NY
    Posts
    18,620
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    23 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    Duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Got any duck food?"

    Bartender says, "No, we don't got no duck food."

    Next day the duck walks into the same bar and says to the bartender, "Got any duck food?"

    Bartender says, "No, dis here's a bar. We don't got no duck food. Now scram!"

    Next day the duck walks into the bar and says to the bartender, "Got any duck food?"

    The bartender says, "No, we don't got no duck food. Dis is a bar. What are you thick? If you come into dis bar again asking for duck food Ima nail your feet to the floor."

    The next day the duck walks into the bar and says to the bartender, "Got any nails?"

    Bartender says, "No, we don't have no nails."

    Duck says, "Got any duck food?"
    Jorn Ake
    poet

    Flickr
    Books

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Hillsdale NY
    Posts
    18,620
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    23 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    For the mixologists in the crowd:

    Grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Fred?"
    Jorn Ake
    poet

    Flickr
    Books

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    NJ
    Posts
    2,212
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    11 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    Piece of string walks into a bar

    bartender says "we dont serve strings here, get out"

    next day string goes back to the bar

    "i told you we dont serve strings in this bar, get out or i'll shoot ya"

    string goes home and get really angry. starts jumping up and down and wriggling about with anger.

    next day he goes back to the bar

    "are you that string that's been tryin to get in here?"

    "no sir - i'm a frayed knot"

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Melbourne, Australia
    Posts
    2,015
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    6 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by j44ke View Post
    Duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Got any duck food?"

    Bartender says, "No, we don't got no duck food."

    Next day the duck walks into the same bar and says to the bartender, "Got any duck food?"

    Bartender says, "No, dis here's a bar. We don't got no duck food. Now scram!"

    Next day the duck walks into the bar and says to the bartender, "Got any duck food?"

    The bartender says, "No, we don't got no duck food. Dis is a bar. What are you thick? If you come into dis bar again asking for duck food Ima nail your feet to the floor."

    The next day the duck walks into the bar and says to the bartender, "Got any nails?"

    Bartender says, "No, we don't have no nails."

    Duck says, "Got any duck food?"
    Have a look at this link...


  19. #19
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Falls Church, VA
    Posts
    5,550
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    Two apples are baking in an oven. One turns to the other and says, “hot in here isn’t it?”
    And the other one says, “Holt sh1t, a talking apple!”
    Last edited by robin3mj; 01-13-2021 at 05:58 PM.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Tejas
    Posts
    1,246
    Post Thanks / Like
    Mentioned
    4 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    okay, I've got one. It's a knock-knock joke, but you have to go first.

Page 1 of 5 12345 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Roller test...
    By jimi in forum General Discussion
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 02-04-2009, 03:13 AM
  2. VEOH Test
    By Too Tall in forum General Discussion
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 11-05-2008, 07:30 PM
  3. FMB Tubular Test
    By El Chaba in forum General Discussion
    Replies: 29
    Last Post: 08-20-2008, 01:37 AM
  4. another positive test
    By junior2189 in forum General Discussion
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 08-11-2008, 08:46 PM

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •