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Thread: The Joke Thread

  1. #61
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    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    Another joke, this one a true story.

    I stopped at a new juice bar called the Fresh Monkee; protein shakes and other healthy drinks.

    I'm standing in line and I hear the couple behind me talking. One says to the other, "I wonder why they call it the Fresh Monkee?"

    I turned around and answered, "Because dead monkeys don't taste as good."

    Their eyes popped out of their heads then they about died laughing.

  2. #62
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    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    Why is 6 afraid of 7?

    Because 7 8 9.

  3. #63
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    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Peter Polack View Post
    Another joke, this one a true story.

    I stopped at a new juice bar called the Fresh Monkee; protein shakes and other healthy drinks.

    I'm standing in line and I hear the couple behind me talking. One says to the other, "I wonder why they call it the Fresh Monkee?"

    I turned around and answered, "Because dead monkeys don't taste as good."

    Their eyes popped out of their heads then they about died laughing.
    Than you might enjoy "Do you know how they make baby oil?"
    This was said by a tree mover / captain of a racing sailboat while we were all becalmed, bored, rocking the boat to get it to move.....Coulda herd a pin drop ;)

    Timing.
    Last edited by Too Tall; 01-21-2021 at 02:15 PM.

  4. #64
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    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    A Jew, a black man, and a Latino walk into a bar yesterday...

    No, wait, it was into the US SENATE!

    No joke!


    OK, how's this:

    Therapist: After our last few meetings, John, it's become clear to me that you're a kleptomaniac.

    John: Really? Is there anything I can take for that?

  5. #65
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    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    Another true one...

    I used to go to the meetings at the local VFW. One night when the standoff at the Branch Davidian compound was happening, I was sitting at the bar before the meeting and the gent sitting next to me brought that subject up. He was a retired judge and had flown B-25s in WWII. At one point in the conversation he leaned in closer to me, lowered his voice some and said "That Janet Reno, I think she's one of those Elizabethans".

    Needless to say it was all I could do to keep from busting out laughing.
    Eat one live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you all day.

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    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    A cyclist was out riding in the countryside when he saw a pig with a wooden leg. Thinking there was a good story, the cyclist asked the farmer about the pig.
    The farmer "that there pig is a hero, two weeks ago we had a kitchen fire in the middle of the night and that pig woke us all up so we could get out safely."
    The cyclist, "that's amazing, is that how he lost his leg?"
    The farmer, "nope, a pig like that you don't eat all at once."
    Weight Doper

  7. #67
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    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    A short anecdote about my 21 year old USNA son at Christmas. We had spent part of the afternoon on The Grassy Knoll in Dallas while my fiancé did some sketches. That evening my brother in law said, "what if you could go back in time and prevent the Kennedy assassination, I wonder how history would have changed?" My son, "I guess you could, or you could be the second shooter" I feel somewhat responsible for his morbid sense of humor.
    Weight Doper

  8. #68
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    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    Question: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?





    Answer: A stick
    Brian McLaughlin

  9. #69
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    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    I'll bite. This one nearly caused me to crash my truck.

    I was listening to Click and Clack the tappet brothers, they relayed a converstation about a call in show one of the brothers observed. The subject was "prayers in schools".

    Hello caller

    Yes HELLO

    Go ahead mame

    (creaky elderly church lady voice) Well I think it is terrible

    Yes mame we agree it is terrible, what's terrible?

    I think they should have them.

    (the radio hosts suspecting something delve deeper) Mame what exactly do you think about this?

    Well it's terrible they don't even have a place to sit and learn?

    Mame the subject today is prayers in schools not chairs...prayers in schools. Next caller.
    Last edited by Too Tall; 01-22-2021 at 09:06 PM.

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    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    I had a crazy dream last night that I was a muffler.

    I woke up exhausted.

  11. #71
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    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    What did the postman bring today?

    Nothing. Again.

    (real life joke)

    SPP
    My name is Peter Miller.

  12. #72
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    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    did you know: Europeans are thinner than Americans, because they consume olive oil instead of water. Even at the Tour de France, cyclists are handed tiny cups of olive oil to rehydrate. Being slippery is usually what makes all the bikes crash at the end.

    from latest New Yorker. funny article.

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    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    If we're going into anecdotes:

    a few years I got a flat tire and pulled off into a gas station to change the flat. A curious customer:
    "What 'chu got there? Continental!? Those are European tires. That's why you got that flat. You need some 'Merican tires. You need to getcha some Michelins."

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    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    Modigliani walks into a bar, grabs a stool and orders a beer. Bartender says "why the long faces?"

  15. #75
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    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    [the boy insisted I add this one....]

    Why did the super hero flush the toilet? Because that was his duty.
    This is my substitute for pistol and ball. With a philosophical flourish Cato throws himself upon his sword; I quietly take to the bike.

  16. #76
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    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    What does a pepper do when it gets angry?

    It get jalapeno face.

  17. #77
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    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by AngryScientist View Post
    What does a pepper do when it gets angry?

    It get jalapeno face.
    Phrasing 101.

    Funny.

  18. #78
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    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    When does a joke become a dad joke?

    When it becomes apparent.
    This is my substitute for pistol and ball. With a philosophical flourish Cato throws himself upon his sword; I quietly take to the bike.

  19. #79
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    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    Heard about the new documentary on constipation?

    No? Probably because it hasn't come out yet.

  20. #80
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    Default Re: The Joke Thread

    I know a shark could definitely swim faster than me.

    But I could definitely outrun a shark.

    So if we were in a triathlon it would all come down to the cycling.
    GO!

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